As those who read our Christmas letter know, September was a big month for us, but for most of the month I was completely unaware. After my diagnosis’ the month before, I was mostly focused on getting closure on having more biological children and parenting the one I already have well. Caleb and I had some beautiful moments this month that I wrote down:
- Earlier in the month, we had one of those particularly long grocery trips where Caleb had whined for several different things and did not accept no graciously. I explained to him for what seemed like the 100th time how money is a limited resource and we have to choose where to spend it. I had to stop by and pick up a can of paint on the way home, as I was standing there, Caleb pulled all the money he’s been saving out of his wallet and told me to use it to buy paint. I reminded him that is his lego money and he told me, “I know, but paint is more important than legos, isn’t it?”
- At his well child visit he told the pediatrician, “My favorite food is pickles. The sour kind!” He then preceded to ask (and receive) one for breakfast the next morning. He also told me later that week, “My favorite foods are meatballs, giant raisins (aka- dates), and shrimp.” He’s an eclectic eater for sure! (Apparently he was having cravings on my behalf, haha).
- One of my goals for our home is for our house to be a place where everyone can receive grace. I fail at this so often, but this month had a win that really stands out in my mind. Caleb and I were making brownies together and he got a little too enthusiastic with the spoon and a large chunk of mix ended up on the floor. I felt frustration well up immediately (how many times have I reminded him…!) and I know he saw it on my face. I choked it down and said, “It’s ok, we all make mistakes, we can just clean it up.” Not only did he jump down and help me clean, he took the vacuum into the next room and vacuumed it and then grabbed a sponge and spot cleaned some dirt on the floor. I was blown away how my one small act of mercy, started a grace cycle that completely blessed me. Let me be this mother (and wife!) more often!
So, picking up where the Christmas letter leaves off, we had a wonderful time in Florida celebrating the marriage of David’s middle brother and our new sister-in-law before returning home and getting the surprise of our lives.
Pregnancy after infertility is definitely a whole different thing. Rather than waiting and seeing how things would go, I had David take a picture right away (knowing there was 0 difference in my belly at just 4 weeks). But I was pregnant. Today. And I might never be again, so I wanted to capture that moment forever.
I also started a journal immediately- again so different from the wait and see attitude I thought I’d have. I just wanted to celebrate *this* baby, *this* moment in our lives for as long as it lasted. Everything took on twice the normal meaning- knowing I was reading a book with 2 children, going to the park with 2 children, experiencing this joy I thought we’d never experience again. And yet, despite all that joy, after 2 years of infertility and knowing my PCOS diagnosis, it was hard to believe this baby would grow into a happy healthy pregnancy.
September 27th, 2015
Today was a hard day. I woke up with a cold, which dulled my sense of super-smell and my nausea was gone most of the day. In light of those things, I’m concerned what my HCG levels tomorrow will show.
Whatever happens, I can see God’s goodness in bringing this child into our family. Before, I felt crushed by the weight of not being able to conceive again I didn’t even realize I had become so absorbed in my own pain, I was missing God’s goodness in my life and my role to give that goodness to others in so many ways. The joy this child has created has given me space to see that more clearly.
I want to choose thankfulness and joy. I want to live like I really believe “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed, perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned, struck down, but not destroyed.”